Breaking Yawn

I - along with the rest of the world - went to see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part I this past weekend.  I laughed, I cried (from the laughing) and I have some thoughts.  Here they are in no particular order:

Warning, full of spoilers.  Though, anyone who is going to see this movie has read the book so they know what happens in the plot. 

What happened to the sparkling? 
Please don't get me wrong.  I am VERY happy that Bill Condon played down the whole vampires who sparkle in the sun concept.  I've always hated that plot device.  But there was NO explanation for it.  I've been to Rio.  A lot.  They have sun there.  A lot.  Even Bella had a tan.  How did no one notice this guy with her sparkling??? They showed them frolicking outside quite a bit.  I'm not demanding, all I needed was one throw away line about it being a cloudy week.  Or him going outside only at night.  Or thank God there was no one else on this island or they would have noticed him sparkling.  But to have a housekeeper who suspects he's a vampire not because he is sparkling when he opens the door in full sunlight but just because she's heard legend is really annoying to me.  Ditto having an outdoor wedding.  I get that they were under trees but one errant beam of sunlight and 1/2 the guests will look like a bunch of strippers on a Saturday night. 

Speaking of the outdoor wedding...
Ummmm, you guys live in Seattle.  Where it is known to rain.  A lot.  Is planning an entirely outdoor wedding and reception smart? I suppose you can fanwank that Alice can see the future and knew it wouldn't rain.  But it had to have been a little muddy no?  I'd be pissed if I showed up to a wedding wearing a nice dress and heels and be asked to walk through the mud and sit on a mossy bench. And again, how hard would it have been to have Alice say something like "I've seen that there won't be any rain"?? Not hard at all!

Bella get your damn hair out of your face!
Seriously! They make a whole big deal about the make-up and Rosalie doing Bella's hair and how grown up she looks and she still has these messy locks of hair in her face.  Not even tendrils (which I don't approve of stylistically - but at least they are a choice)! It seemed unfinished and messy.  But then how else would Kristen Stewart look awkward and immature during her walk down the aisle?

Speaking of the walk down the aisle...
COME ON! This is a young woman who is supposed to be so in love with the guy that she can't stand being apart from him.  Why does Kristen Stewart insist on playing Bella as a shy, nervous, awkward girl?  I get it for the first movie.  That was how she was.  But the idea was that Bella has a) grown up and b) found such a connection with Edward that she is absolutely sure she wants to be with him for eternity.  I don't agree with her decision (firmly Team Jacob over here) but she should be confidant in that decision.  To have it seem like her father was dragging her down the aisle while she clutched at his arm unable to even lift her head or make eye contact with anyone while she bit her lip and whimpered made ZERO sense.  Damn you K. Stew and your acting ticks!

Taylor Lautner saves this mess!
I felt this way during Eclipse too, but Taylor Lautner and the rest of the wolf pack really are the brief shining moments in the entire franchise. I love how the pack members play together almost like puppies even in their human forms. T. Laut has excellent comedic timing and wonderful "are you kidding me" facial expressions. And have you seen his abs? Within seconds of the movie starting, he has ripped off his shirt and runs towards the screen. Thank you editors.

Speaking of Team Jacob....
Did K. Stew get the memo that Bella chooses Edward?  She essentially flinches any time Robert Pattinson touches her (a fact that is even more jarring since they are dating in real life) and yet when she sees Jacob at the wedding, she launches herself at him, presses her body against him and nuzzles into his neck.  Don't get me wrong, if I were within 10 feet of Taylor Lautner, I'd do the same thing.  But I'm not being paid to act a certain way.  No wonder Jacob thinks he's in love with Bella, every time she sees him she grabs at his clothing, touches his arm and coquettishly plays with her hair.  Tease!

There is suspension of disbelief and then there are completely uncharacteristic actions!
When Bella and Edward arrive at their honeymoon island, she is visibly nervous and goes to get ready for her first time having sex.  What follows is what I assume is supposed to be a "funny" montage of Bella prepping.  But it is so awkward and uncomfortable.  She grimaces as she's brushing her teeth, she bites her lip and sighs a lot as she violently brushes her hair and then she shaves her legs.  And that is where I have to audibly sigh.  Because my friends, as annoying as the rest of K. Stew's ticks are during this scene I am struck by one thing and that is: There is NO WAY that Alice would have let Bella leave the house that morning without being fully waxed/plucked/Alaised from head to toe.  None.  Never.  The vampire who insisted that Bella wear 4 inch sparkly heels and a sheer backed dress and painstakingly did Bella's make-up would have insisted that she get fully waxed or lasered pre-wedding.  There is no doubt in my mind. 

Speaking of the Honeymoon...
So much has been said and written about the big sex scene.  I get that they wanted to keep the rating to a PG-13 so that their key demographic could actually see the movie.  So that is fine.  Kissy kissy, fade to black, wake up covered in feathers.  Move on.  To then have K. Stew stare at herself biting her lip in the mirror while she flashes back to scenes with a pained expression on her face is just awkward.  Again, this is a young woman who could barely control herself around the love of her life and is so wildly attracted to him that they broke a bed.  And she looks like she's uncomfortably remembering a date rape event on a Lifetime movie. 

I'm a nerd for meta details!
I loved that they had Charlie looking at the graduation cap art and wondering about it.  I love that Bella and Edward were playing chess with red and white pieces in homage to the book cover.  My cousin Sara spotted Stephanie Meyer in the wedding crowd (and then proclaimed herself a nerd.) Never let it be said that you don't get rewarded for attention to detail.  The people seeing this movie have obsessed over the books, movies, websites, blogs and message boards for years.  Having little moments of shout out, make us feel special. 

Let's talk about casting and costumes shall we?
Oh dear.  Casting and costuming really screwed the pooch for the entire series in the first movie.  I adore Peter Facinelli but he looks ridiculous as a blond. Ditto Nikki Reed.  These are two very attractive actors who have naturally dark hair and olive skin.  To see them so heavily caked in pasty make-up and wearing HORRIBLE blond wigs just makes them look bloated and old.  And yet, Rosalie is supposed to be the hottest vampire ever.  No.  She looks like Christina Aguilera after a bender.  The CGI people were able to digitally shrink Bella down to skeletal looking form during her pregnancy, but they can't digitally pale the vampire actors?  And the clothes they put her in?  Seriously, who did Nikki Reed piss off on her first day?  They manage to constantly give this gorgeous actress muffin top and uni-boob.  Jackson Rathbon and Elizabeth Reaser are looking a little less wooden but they are mostly set props, so I can ignore them.  I've mentioned how much I dislike K. Stew and R. Pattz in their roles of Bella and Edward.  They both act so awkward around each other and look pained to be in scenes together. I think the whole saga could have been vastly improved by some better casting choices in the first movie.  I understand that new directors couldn't recast the actors once they signed on for each movie, but I think they could have studied the previous films and addressed certain acting ticks or costuming that simple did not work. 

Speaking of casting...
Kellan Lutz as Emmit is a joy.  He is so fun and natural and sarcastic and lovable.  He is absolutely perfect for the role of goofy protector.  I found myself smiling and giggling every time he was on screen.  I believe I've spoken enough about the brilliance of Taylor Lautner as Jacob.  I'm very happy he was able to bulk up to keep his role after the first movie.  I adore little Seth Clearwater.  I found myself watching him in group scenes and loving his reactions.  Anna Kendrick was once again spot on as Jessica.  Her sarcastic barbs were perfect little moments during the wedding.  Can we get a spin off movie of just these characters hanging out together?

There are certain directorial decision that I just can't understand.
Why did the wolves sound like they were speaking through an auto tune?  Why couldn't they just use the actors voices and the scene of the wolves communicating telepathically be like Look Who's Talking?  The scene where Jacob imprints on Renesmee (don't EVEN get me started on that name! That is an issue with the book not the movie and while I HATE it, I suppose there was nothing that could be done to correct it at this point) is well done until he falls to his knee before her.  Literally everyone around me in the theater laughed with the absurdity.  I can kind of see the vision behind that direction.  But it clearly didn't work.  It looked stupid and amateurish and should have been re-shot once they viewed the dailies.  Bella looking like she is having one of her night terrors when she is ostensibly having a sexual fantasy dream is once again uncomfortable.  Why does K. Stew seem to link sex with pain?  Why does no one around her pull her aside and explain the differences in facial expressions to her?

So in summary....
Do I feel like I wasted $10? Yes.  Would I go back in time and not see it? No.  Will I see the next and final installment in the theaters opening weekend? Probably.  What can I say, I'm invested at this point.  I am very interested to see how K. Stew will play Bella as a vampire.  She better stop biting her lip and staring at the ground all the time or I'll ... well I'll.... probably write a scating blog about it.  Ha! That'll show her!

Let me know what you thought of the movie or if I missed anything.

Whatchu Talkin' Bout Melly?

The other day while I was in the kitchen baking, my husband was watching TV and came across a showing of Caddyshack.  All of a sudden I hear Bill Murry say "so I've got that going for me, which is nice" which is something my husband says on a daily basis.  I came running out of the kitchen to ask "wait! is THAT where you got that from??" The look on my husband's face told me that I had just committed a mortal error.  He was appalled that I hadn't realized over the past six years that he had been quoting his beloved Caddyshack all this time.

I instantly blamed my family.

Let me explain:

My extended family is very close.  On my dad's side, my cousins, sister and I range in age from 21 to 35 with four of us born within 14 months of each other.   We were also very lucky to have parents who were/are truly committed to keeping our family together for holidays.  In our family, traditions were formed early and they stuck. 

One of my favorite traditions was for us all to jam into my grandparents' family room and watch a movie.  My grandmother had a very limited collection of videos and so we inevitably would watch the same 6 - 8 movies over and over again.  Sometimes, we'd even follow the viewing by all going down into the basement and re-enacting scenes (until my uncle declared "no more shows!".)  The result of this is that we ended up not only committing them to memory but quoting them and referring to them in our daily lives.

While my husband and seemingly everybody else in our generation grew up watching and loving every John Hugh's movie ever made followed by every National Lampoons movie, we were watching movies like Gunga Din and Sound of Music.  So while everyone around us quoted Caddyshack and Breakfast Club, we were (and still are) speaking our own language. 

Here are the top five movies we refer to when we're talking amongst ourselves.  Consider it your Bonardi to English dictionary:


1) Barefoot in the Park

I believe a total of 20 people in my generation have watched Neil Simon's Barefoot in the Park starring Robert Redford and Jane Fonda.  I'm related to 5 of them.  The movie follows the first few weeks of marriage for stuffed shirt Paul (Redford) and free spirit Corey (Fonda) Bratter.  I cannot watch this movie without thinking of my aunt Mary.  From the moment Corey gooses Paul in an elevator full of people at the Plaza Hotel, Mary's shoulders start to shake with silent laughter.   When Corey waves goodbye to Paul as he leaves for work after a week of being holed up in their hotel room, wearing nothing but his shirt and says - in full view of another elevator full of people: "Good bye Mr. Dooley, next time you're in New York just give me a call," her silent laughter erupts into a chortle and doesn't stop for the next 100 minutes. 

The sight gags as a host of visitors arrive at their new 6th floor walk up apartment (which also features a large hole in the sky light) gasping for breath sends the rest of us into peals of laughter.  Every time I watch - which numbers in the hundreds at this point - I notice something new during this sequence.  Look out for Paul stopping to lean against a wall, opening and closing his fist like he's having a heart attack; or the phone guy telling Corey that his name is Harry Pepper, if they ever have a problem, don't ask for Harry Pepper.  

The movie gets meatier as Corey tries to set her straight laced mother up with their international, womanizing neighbor.  A match Paul thinks will never work because "you've seen his apartment, he wears Japanese kimonos and sleeps on rugs.  Your mother wears a hair net and sleeps on a board" After the date doesn't go exactly as planned, the young couple fights and breaks up before eventually making up.  But the movie is so well written, the actual plot is secondary

We quote this movie A LOT.  But in most cases the quotes we use are to indicate a moment from the movie we are replaying in our heads, I've included a translation when applicable:

• I can't make a fist - def: I've had too much to drink
• It feels like I've died and gone to heaven. Only I had to climb up - def: I'm exhausted 
• Bittah?? - def: You didn't like what you just ate did you?
• You don't pick up a fork and dig into a black salad.  You have to play with it! 
• If I'd known the people on the 3rd floor, I'd have visited them - def: Its really far away
• It looks like a stoop, it climbs like a flight
• Shamma Shamma - def: lets go be adventurous
• I've got a case in court in the morning - def: I can't go out tonight
• He's probably only 35, they age quick on this route
• I have to know how much my rent is, I'm a college graduate
• I'm not getting sarcastic, I'm getting chapped lips
• I didn't say breeze, there's a brisk north easterly wind blowing through the room - def: I'm cold
• She'll think we're gypsies living in an empty store
• A martini to wash down a pill?
• At 2 o'clock in the morning? - def: You've woken me up
• You will not meet me here every day, the bus driver will think you're my mother
• If the hardware store downstairs was open I was going to buy a knife and kill myself - def: I've had a rough day
• We're sleeping left to right tonight
• For Paul's parents I just wanted to look clean.  He's going to think I'm a nurse.
• You should have told me about this, I'd have gone into training
• I think I've broken some straps
• If you don't hear from us in a week, we'll be at the National Hotel in Mexico City, room 703
• I was watching my coat because someone else was watching my coat
• You can't go, its the shank of the evening
• Its not that kind of a club.  To sleep over I'd have to keep winning the serve.

2) City Slickers

This is a unquestionably a very popular movie, but every time I quote it to my husband he gives me a blank, questioning stare. He contends that while he's seen City Slickers a number of times, but doesn't deem it a quotable movie. I contend that he's crazy. The instant my family and I first saw this movie, we started quoting and referring to it repeatedly.

In case you haven't seen it, City Slickers is about 40 year old Mitch Robbins (Billy Crystal) and his impending mid-life crisis.  His two best friends (The amazing Bruno Kirby and semi-tolerant Daniel Stern) take him on a real life cowboy adventure herding cattle for his birthday.  He's extremely cynical and sarcastic about the whole experience and hilarity ensues.   Blink and you'll miss it alert: don't forget wee little Jake Gyllenhal as Mitch's 10 year old son.  Thank God his voice dropped.  Such a cute little pip-squeak!

Every year on my birthday, I can expect my father or sister to call me up and recite Mitch's mother's birthday message - and I do the same for them.  I'm always shocked that I can't find the full written out message anywhere on the Internet and so last year for my husband's birthday I dutifully watched and re-watched the scene* where Mitch is lying in bed on his birthday and receives his annual call from his mother detailing the story of his birth - all while he mouths the words he has heard every year for 40 years.  I then posted it on Facebook for him since he was travelling.  A few minutes later, he responded with a "what??!?!" And then I cried a little bit. 

In order to avoid more tears, here are the quotes we most often use:

• Value this time in your life kids**
• You'll call it a procedure, but its a surgery**
• Scoop of chocolate, scoop of vanilla.  Don't waste my time
• Goood Party
• Rummaki?
• Helllooo?
• This was NOT in the brochures
• I've never moseyed before.  I've walked, run, jogged, even sashayed once but that was in front of the draft board
• You put this on during drive time.  People are having accidents
• The cows can do it by now!
• What about the clock?
• If it was us, could you eat?

* As I mentioned, I had to resort to watching the movie and transcribing the birthday phone call since I couldn't find it written out anywhere online.  To avoid having to do this 3-4 times a year, (and because I'm a dork) I saved it to my hard drive.  And now I'll share it with you:

City Slickers Happy Birthday Phone Call Quote

It's September 8th 1952, we're driving back from your Aunt Marsha's and my water breaks. Your father JUMPS the divider of the saw mill river parkway and RACES me to doctors hospital and at 5:16 out you came. [sigh] Happy Birthday Darling.

** Really, the entire career day monologue is gold.  We use parts of it interchangeably whenever we are feeling old or cranky about life.  Here it is in full:

City Slickers Career Day Monologue

Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so quickly. When you're a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, "What happened to my twenties?" Your forties, you grow a little pot belly you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud and one of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Your fifties you have a minor surgery. You'll call it a procedure, but it's a surgery. Your sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud but it doesn't matter because you can't hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, you start eating dinner at two, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate in soft yogurt and muttering "how come the kids don't call?" By your eighties, you've had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can't stand but who you call mama. Any questions?


3) The Cutting Edge

Little known fact: I used to take ice skating lessons as a child.  According to my cousin Allison, I was semi-pro.  So when this movie came out in 1992 staring the super hot D.B. Sweeny, we HAD to watch it.  Over and over and over again.  Even now that we're all adults and the movie has spawned THREE!?! sub-par made for tv sequels, the cheesy goodness of the first one lives on in our daily vocabulary.  In fact, it was my cousin Anne and I quoting it back and forth to each other a few days ago that made me want to write this blog post.  (How Meta.)
The lines we use the most are:

• Legano, nilegano. Eees grey area
• Yes! Parlez-vous Olympics?!
• Lorie Peckarovski?!
• Namen Gita!
• Toe pick
• There is no halfway.  Halfway, you are dead.

4) The Secret Garden

My sister recently tore her ACL and while she was recuperating from surgery, I went over to keep her company and knew just the thing to make her feel better.  The Hallmark Hall of Fame's Secret Garden is quite simply a beautifully done telling of this classic children's tale of a little girl whose parents die while living in India and so she is sent to live with a distant relative (in the book the relative is her uncle.  In the movie he is just a friend of her father's) in his big creepy manor house on the moors of Scotland where she discovers a secret garden and a mystery.  My mother was visiting my sister that day as well.  She had never seen the movie and when we started, she was a bit skeptical but by the end she was smiling and watching with glee.

My grandmother recorded this movie from TV when it aired as a special back in 1988 but it is widely available at most Hallmark stores even today.  It stars the incomparable Maggie Smith and a host of adorable youngsters.  We all adored the sassy little Mary Lennox and the clever Cockney pronounced barbs.  I had a major crush on Dickon and I myself am often quoted as saying (in a pique after finishing a viewing one day) [spoiler alert] "Of course she chose Colin, he peppered her with gifts.  Poor Dickon never stood a chance!" Some of our most often used quotes from the actual movie are:

• You cheeky little beggar
• If we were in India, I'd put a snake in his bed
• Please, can I have a bit of earth?
• If you scream once more, I'll smother you with a pillow (she would too)

5) The Sound of Music

The memory of my childhood that will stick in my mind forever is of us watching the Sound of Music and then running downstairs and acting out the scenes.  My oldest cousin Allison was always Fraulein Maria, Leisl AND Mother Superior; my 2nd cousin Sara - as the only blond - played the roles of Louisa, Baroness Schreider and Frau Schmidt; I was Brigitta - the booky anti-social one; my cousin Anne - as 2nd youngest - was Marta; my sister was always Gretl since she too was the baby of the family and had the chubby cheeks that the part called for; and my poor cousin Nicky - as the only boy - was relegated to play EVERY male role... two of which are love interests to Maria and Leisle (both played by his sister) (we skipped those scenes.)

Every one of us can sing every song by heart.  If two of us are on a long car ride together, we've been known to put the sound track in and not only sing every word and hum every instrumental interlude, but do the motions like curling Rolf's hair during 16 going on 17 or holding the tops of our heads and pointing up at the end of do-re-mi. I know we're not alone in this.  There are whole tours of Salzburg and movie viewings where people sing along (btw I am DYING to go to the official Sound of Music sing-a-long... the one where people dress up.  It is on my bucket list.)  But its different with us.  I feel like we quote this movie in a bit of a short hand.  I can write in an email "it makes me want to cry" and every one of my cousins will read it hearing Marta's clipped over pronounced, pouty version from the movie.

Other favorite quotes include (but aren't limited to):

• God bless what's his name
• Fraulein, is it to be at every meal, or merely at dinnertime, that you intend on leading us all through this rare and wonderful new world of... indigestion?
• What happened to your finger? It got caught.  On what? Friedrich's teeth.
• Well, apparently, we're both suffering from a deplorable lack of curiosity
• Only grown-up men are scared of women
• It'll be my first party, father
• Do you mean to tell me that my children have been roaming about Salzburg dressed up in nothing but some old drapes?

And the circle continues.  When my nephew came over to visit a few weeks ago, I promptly popped in Sound of Music for him to watch and it apparently wasn't his first time.  He bopped to the music and even stood up and marched in place while the Von Trappe children made their first entrance.  Now he just needs a few more cousins to continue the greatest tradition ever.  And I promise, I will never mimic my uncle Danny and declare "no more shows" if my kids and their cousins want to recreate a scene or two for me.

What were some of your favorite movies growing up or favorite movies to quote?